One Last Time

I walked through my mom’s home for the last time today. It wasn’t the house I grew up in, but nevertheless, it was her home for the last 35 years. It was the home where we held my bridesmaid’s breakfast, celebrated birthdays and Christmas eves…my kids spent the night with grandma, being totally spoiled and fiercely loved! So many memories came from that place.

I walked through – after the painting and new carpet, getting it in ready to sell shape - it didn’t smell like my mom anymore, there were none of the familiar family photos, antiques and books, or miscellaneous piles of mail. I knew in my heart that everything was taken care of, not yet in a final home, but safe from being lost – our memories neatly boxed up and put into storage.

I had never, in my entire life, gone this long without talking to my mom – even in college when we had land lines as the only means of communication, we still talked at least every week or so. Sometimes in my head, I think…oh, I need to call mom…and then I remember, I can’t. Sometimes I want to tell her something or invite her over or plan out how we will get to some event or where we will spend Thanksgiving…and then I remember I can’t.

I can’t think too hard about it or I feel like I will get lost in sorrow and pain. I don’t like to think about how sad I really am. It’s easier to just keep pushing on, like I know my mom would have. Other than joy, happiness and love, my mom didn’t have too many other emotions…at least emotions that she let others see.

I guess I’m lucky the world is so different these days due to the pandemic…we can’t really go to college football games or get together with friends and family like we used to, so in that respect I can trick myself into thinking that things will be the same when this is all over. But things won’t be the same, no matter what else does come back into our lives, my mom won’t be coming back. I’m grateful that her memory will never leave me.

Another Reason to be Ready

It’s been a while since I last posted…guess I’m still trying to find some direction in light of everything that’s happened over the last month. We just celebrated Mother’s Day and held a small backyard memorial for my mom who passed away a little less than a month ago all in the same weekend. It’s funny, I feel like I’m ok, but then I know in a lot of ways, I’m not.

For the memorial, it was really supposed to just be a short toast with part of our family, with those that live close. We all agreed, we needed to share some memories and raise a glass to my sweet, beautiful mother. In the week before the get together, I began making plans for what to serve, where/how we should sit and everything in between all the while maintaining social distancing. I started to realize my backyard had to be as perfect as it could possibly be. I began scrubbing (or “swabbing” as my daughter joked) our deck. I bought some new chaise lounges for additional seating and wiped down our outdoor table and chairs until my hands were raw. I began to think about how my mom would want this to look. How it had to be done right.

I wanted to have a champagne toast to start things off, so I got out my best glassware and bought a few bottles of bubbly. I figured we would raise a glass, share some memories and some tears and hopefully, not share any germs. The evening went well, we were able to stay outside and keep our space and share what we loved about my mom.

All this made me realize, even more now, that being a little prepared for a spur of the moment event, whether it’s happy or sad, can make a big difference in life…It’s also made me realize that when something is important to you, like creating beautiful spaces, delicious meals and carving out time to be with loved ones – being a little ahead of the game can keep the stress down and make the time even more special. I hope to be able to host a big celebration of my mom’s life soon, but until that time, this small gathering has helped in the healing process…and I think my mom would have approved!

Hitting the Reset Button

I’m making a departure today from my general blog theme, just for today, because the past few weeks have brought about some big changes in my life and it feels like I’m being untrue to myself to pretend that all is well. I don’t feel like getting organized for a dinner party or shopping for things I’ll use in the future for some kind of gathering…at least not right now and I’ll tell you why.

Like almost everyone else in the world, my family and I are sheltering in place – I feel lucky that we can be together and so far so good on that front. Unfortunately, when all of this COVID19 – shelter in place stuff started, I, like many others, lost my job. I doubt my job will be there in the same form when all of this is over. Maybe it will, but somehow, I think with the changes we all need to make going forward, my previous job won’t look the same. I do have to admit, I was in shock at first, but I understand the why’s as well, so I feel like I’m equipped to push through it.

What also happened, which I wasn’t ready for was the passing of my mom last week. Over the last two years, she had been in a slow decline, but we were grateful that she was able to keep living in her home of 30 years, along with full time care. Mom lived to be 94 years old and was pure light in every way. She wasn’t particularly religious, but she lived by the golden rule and never judged or said an unkind word that I can ever remember. My mom was a huge part of my life and we all loved her so much. I miss her terribly. The good news is that she passed away peacefully, in her own home with family nearby.

I’m certainly not the first person to lose a job or a parent, but I do have to say, it’s a lot to take in at the same time. I feel like I’m ok, but at the same time, I feel a little numb – like I’m going through the motions of life, as if watching from afar. Something someone said to me when I lost my job was; “well then, it’s time to hit the reset button”. At this point in my life, that statement rings true. I’d been needing to hit the reset button for a long time, but it’s always so easy to just keep playing along, letting life come to me, sort of making decisions along the way, but also easily being led. When everything stays the same, like your job or relationships…maybe you don’t want to take risks or jump off any cliffs. Maybe the job is just good enough - even though you know it’s not. You just keep going on like people in your life will be there forever, even though you know they won’t. As usual, I need to hit rock bottom in order to make a change…so I think I’m ready…

I’m hitting the reset button, here and now. Not even sure what that means exactly, but will be using this time to figure it out. And, while I continue to clean and purge our house (wishing I knew how to get rid of all of this stuff now that the rules of disposal are different) I’ll be doing much the same with myself. I know I’m a better person for having my mom as my mom and I’m pretty sure I’m a better person for having worked with some of the people I worked with before in my work. It’s just time to move on. For now, I’ll get out into my garden…which has some new seedlings that I’m so excited about – just hope I can keep them growing strong!

Reclaiming the Dining Room

Well, since we aren’t gathering these days…I don’t have to worry much about having people over…unless it’s a zoom party and I can fake my way through those pretty well (more on that in another post)!  I got to thinking, as I’m sure we all have lately, about doing the things that I never have time for like, organizing my recipes, cleaning the laundry room, throwing away old papers and doing a big ugly DIY remodel on our half bath in the basement. I try to stay on top of these things…but honestly, they get away from me more often than I’m on top of it all.

We spent last weekend trying to make my husband’s large home office area habitable again. My husband has a loud, booming voice so when he’s on a call or leading a meeting, the whole house literally shakes. Since we’re all trying to accomplish one thing or another at home these days, it was mandatory to get him back into his own space! His area was beginning to look like a hoarder had moved in, almost to the point where no one could even walk in there.

I had been planting the seed for a big weekend office clean-up during the week leading up to it; “wouldn’t it be great to get back into your office?”, “just think honey, you won’t have to watch me roll my eyes every time I walk by” and then this final statement – “I’ll plan on doing it myself if you don’t want to get involved”…That last one always scares him into agreement.

Saturday morning, I organized a clean-up crew consisting of me, my daughter and one of my sons. I felt that with all of us there for moral support and to occasionally offer our advice as to whether something is a keeper, donation or plain garbage, we could make some real headway. And, we could keep our eye on him to make sure he didn’t slip out the side door or start napping or watching tv. He’s sneaky like that!

After two days, my team emerged…along with multiple bags of garbage, boxes of paper to be recycled and lots of found items that were presumed lost forever. With only a couple more hours of work, the office will be recovered and with it, my sanity! Soon, my dining room table will be released from its temporary office duty.

I was super proud of myself for getting the family together and getting this done. Not only did it keep us occupied for almost two days, but it got a job done that will benefit us all. The only bad thing about this, was on Monday morning, when I called for an extra garbage/waste pick up, I was told that there will be no extra service at this time due to the Corona Virus…totally understand, so I guess the garbage will live with us for a while longer!

Strange Times

My cat must be wondering why we’re suddenly all home…all the time. No more weekends with the family away, no more long days spent outside, waiting, casually napping and wondering where we’ve gone. We’re just here, day in and day out, all day and all night.

These are strange times for sure. Shelter in Place orders are in effect; we can go out to get essential supplies like groceries, medicine or to care for others…maybe get a walk in for exercise – but at 6 feet away from others. We’re all on high alert, watching more news than we probably should, spending more time on social media than we probably should and feeling like we’re missing something –  are we?

I work from home anyway, so this shouldn’t feel strange except that now I’m working at home with 3 other family members – all doing the same thing. There’s a zoom call upstairs and a very loud phone call in the dining room. My son’s trying to take a midterm for his last semester in college…will there be a commencement ceremony? Still waiting on that outcome. My own job in possible jeopardy…after all, who wants to invest in much of anything right now? Pretty much putting out fires for the time being.

I am torn, most of me loves having everyone here…captive for the moment. My little family unit huddling together as it should in troubled times. My eldest son nearby, but in his own apartment…it helps me to know he’s nearby. I could walk there or he could walk here if need be. Having to stay away from my 94 year old mother is painful, but I am thankful she is in her own home with 2 wonderful caregivers looking after her.

I’m a homebody by nature. I love time to myself. I love to be at home …but there’s also a point of no return…If I get too comfortable, I get to a place where I can’t even leave. I don’t want to go out or see anyone – I just want to stay holed up in my little cocoon. But that’s not good for anyone, and eventually, I will want to venture out - It’s all a cycle. Spring is the worst time of year for me. I’m never quite sure when it’s time to venture out…Can I leave the safety of my home?  I’m ready to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin again but am not sure I can trust this season. It’s a very different year and I’m determined not to fall into my same old routine, actions set on auto, not thinking, just doing. Too bad it takes a shelter in place order to get me to reflect and make changes!

The Seedlings…I Hope…

Part of my plan for being ready to entertain at a moment’s notice, is having fresh flowers on the table…or at least somewhere in the house so that guests can see and enjoy them. Now I am not someone who enjoys shopping and making endless stops at the bakery and the florist and the produce market and the wine shop. It’s one stop shopping for me or it doesn’t happen at all. I really wish I loved to spend my time getting the best from the best, but it’s just not me. My dream is that someday I will live within walking distance from all those kinds of shops so I can just pick things up on my way home from wherever I’ve been that day, but for now this is all I’ve got!

One way to take fresh flowers off the shopping list is to have a strategically planned, cutting garden out in the back yard so anytime I need a bouquet, I can go out and cut my own. Now, to be honest, I am not known among family or friends as a good gardener. I’ve had a few successes in my day (yes, succulents count!), but overall, if there’s no drip-line watering system, I end up being more of a weed and mud master. This year is going to be different. I know I can do this.

For my birthday, I decided to treat myself to 3 raised plant beds to be built on our side yard. I’ve wanted this for years and now is the time. The beds will be built by the end of February at the latest, which is perfect timing for me to get some plants started from seeds now so I can transplant into the beds once they are ready. Living in a mild, coastal climate – I don’t have to worry too much about frost and if there is a threat, I’m prepared with my frost protection. More on that later…After doing a little research, I’ve chosen to start with some hardy annuals – I hope they’re hardy enough to withstand me! Foxglove, Belles of Ireland, Stock and Sweet Peas (because I love them). I’ve planted the seeds in seedling trays, watered, put the tops on and placed in a sunny spot in our house so they can germinate and grow a bit before it’s time to put them out in my new flower beds!  I had extra space in the trays, so have decided to plant more seeds in a couple of weeks or so, in order to have a second wave of plants coming up. I can’t wait to see these babies grow…

Dessert…I forgot Dessert!

I have this amazing friend who can always come up with a homemade pie to bring to a dinner party no matter how busy her day had been. I was always thrilled to have her offer to bring dessert when coming to our house because 1. That meant I didn’t have to make dessert and 2. I knew it would be some home baked work of art that would send everyone off on a good note no matter what the rest of the meal was like!I never really analyzed how she accomplished this feat time after time until recently. One day we were talking and she mentioned that she was making a few pies and putting them in the freezer so she’d have them when she needed them. Fresh baked pies and all she had to do was pop them in the oven! I wondered why after 20 years of friendship, this had never come up before – I could make a few pies and freeze them so that I, too, could have these at my disposal, next time I invited people over! Thus, Freezer Day was born!

At first, my idea was a bit half baked, haha! One day my daughter and I were going shopping, she wanted to go to Home Goods to look for a new mirror for her apartment and I tagged along, hoping to find some new shoe racks so I could organize my closet (yeah, whole other area to improve and find hacks for!). While I was there, I had the brilliant idea to pick up a couple of rustic, casual pie dishes that I could freeze my pies in. I figured if I bought a couple of inexpensive dishes I could have them in the freezer, and wouldn’t miss my regular dishes if I should happen to decide to make another pie instead of using the ones from my freezer. Yes, something wrong with that logic I know, but nonetheless, I thought I was brilliant!Sure enough, I found 2 white pie plates that looked sturdy enough to hold a hearty apple pie and that would look perfect coming out of the oven, with pie goop dripping from the sides and steam coming out of the crust on the top. I quickly bought them and brought them home. (no luck on the shoe racks, but then headed to the Container Store where I found just what I wanted!)

Unfortunately, when I got home and researched my pie pan plan a little further, I read over and over that you need to make the pie in a metal pie tin, not a glass or ceramic dish because there is a great chance the dish will shatter going from freezer to oven. Darn - on to plan B, I will make and freeze the pies in a metal dish from the grocery store and after it’s cooked, just pop the whole thing into one of my new pie dishes. Not as perfect as I had hoped, but still – I’ve got a homemade pie ready and waiting for me when I need it. I used to only make my own pie dough, but after years of that, I found that the Pillsbury dough boy makes just as good if not better dough than I do, so now, I buy the pie sheets from them. How easy is that?!? Sometimes I have to buy more than what I think I’ll need because my pie dishes are bigger than what the sheets are made for, but I just go ahead and expand the dough from an extra sheet and it all works out!

Next, for apple pies I usually just use the recipe in the Joy of cooking book or any recipe you like: Granny Smith apples, lemon juice, lemon rind, sugar, cinnamon and some pats of butter and you’re good to go. Use the recipe you like and top it off with another sheet of pie dough.Once that is done, wrap it tightly in plastic wrap and then in foil to protect the pie. Put in the freezer with a piece of tape with cooking instructions: Thaw the pie first and then bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour and your dessert is taken care of. I’m also going to pick up some vanilla bean ice cream (I’ll have to hide this in our freezer downstairs or it will be eaten before I get a chance to use it) so that I can offer it along with the pie. Dessert, Done!Do you have a favorite pie recipe that freezes well? I’d love to hear about it!

A Little Bit About Me

A little bit about me…and how I developed my party/food phobia;

I grew up with parents who didn’t entertain much, but when they did, it was perfectly planned, controlled and executed. The air before such a party would be so thick you could cut it with a knife (sorry about the cliche – it just fits so well here!). I was raised to believe that you had to use your best china and silverware for guests, the table had to be set perfectly with candles, flowers and place cards. We would polish the silver with my mom and she would iron the tablecloth and napkins ahead of time.

There were drinks first, with appetizers, then you would sit down to a lovely dinner with one parent at each end of the table. Lively but polite conversation should happen throughout the evening and making that ringing noise with your finger on the rim of a glass or sticking black olives on your fingertips was definitely not allowed, – unfortunately, those were the main things my siblings and I lived for in those days.

A fine dessert and coffee would be served. After the dinner was over and the guests had left, then the clean-up would begin. My mom was a good cook – followed every recipe to a T, but she also left a big wake…the kitchen would look like a hurricane hit somewhere between the main course and dessert! No pot, pan or utensil would escape the ordeal. My dad would try his best to stay ahead of it, but his efforts were futile. Sometime, in the wee hours of the night, the clean-up would be finished. My mom would wash and dry each piece of china by hand along with the silverware. Then each piece of silverware would be carefully counted and put back in its felt coated, air protected, predetermined slot in the china cabinet. She was always afraid someone would accidentally throw a knife or a fork away and then her set of twelve full place settings would be ruined.

Even writing this makes me anxious…those were beautiful dinners, but not achievable given the time constraints we face today (at least for me)…unless of course you have help! Over the years, I came to appreciate my mom and dad’s attention to detail, but I often thought about how much we missed because there was no in between, no better than a regular dinner but more relaxed than the formal party. Had there been a middle-ground, I may have learned to embrace the dinner party, instead of fear it. These days, I enjoy being with family and friends and realize that being stressed out in the kitchen is not the way to spend quality time with those we love or especially with just those we want to get to know better. And so, it’s with this in mind, that I develop my strategy to feel good about setting that extra place at the table, anytime!